Time: 8 pm
Hunger Sauce Levels: [9]
Destination: Seamore's

The board of rotating fish that you can gorge on namsayin

Y'all came back? I mean...I always knew you cats couldn't stay away from the verbal meanderings that I take you on when letting you know what to eat with your mouthhole and listen to with your earholes, I just thought that was more of a delusion I was having 'namsayin b? But obvi you ain't hear to listen to my meta-musings about whether or not this is a marketable website, you here to know where you should go to eat next based on my ability to shove tasty things down my gullet. And shoved I did this weekend; at a fishery right across the street from Little Italy, Seamore's.

Seamore; the fish you don't want to fuck with

Seamore's is located in Nolita on Broome Street - which means absolutely nothing to me because I know zilcho about names of places in NYC even though that ish is my skyline when back in the dirty south aka New Jersey mofuckas...and I know it's next to Little Italy because there was a big sign saying "LITTLE ITALY" across the street b - so yeah that's where it is. I guess that's in a cool hip spot although it seems some hipsters can't seem to decide on what area is cool-before-it's-cool since it's always moving. All I can comment about is the food and drink I guzzled, so I'm going to stop pontificating over whether or not some clowns that take the L-train know where in New York City is a desirable location to open up a organic, locally sourced restaurant, but I digress. But legit folks...can't you just go a little less HAM on the social media ish and just enjoy a meal? I mean, I am taking it upon myself to take the pictures, write the funnies, be the G namsayin? We don't need you're ultra-filtered, low-lit backdrop dumpsterphone pic soiling the interwebz and peeps newsfeed bruh. Let the professionals - AKA me - do this. That way you don't have to get all pantytwisted when punks step and start trolling on yo ass. I'm like a white, bearded Jesus. You're welcome. But I digress...

So to start this meal off los homeboy y yo decided to go with the Poke (pronounced Po-kay). Now I rarely fuck with raw fish...mostly due to the grave health consequences of eating anything raw; deep fry that mother fucker namsayin?...but I will have to say this sloopy goop was damn good. This was what I imagine the texture of brains would be like; if those brains were garnished with some citrus-based-soy-wannabe Ponzu sauce, peanut, cabbage, and God's greatest gift to Mexico; avocados. Served up with a smattering of tortilla chips, you fight the vicious, viscous forces of the poke and the structural instability of restaurant depot-brand tortilla chips that seemingly break apart if you look at them too hungry; overcoming these insurmountable odds allows you to taste what I assume Poseidon's favorite dish tastes like. I've eaten ceviche. I've eaten crudo. Poke had the best name and taste y'all feel me? Imagine if pad thai had sex with a raw fish appetizer to get the poke. Then, putting the sensual back into non-consensual, taking advantage of a poor plate of fish tacos to get the weak-willed, vulnerable tortilla chips. I know that's a rough way to think about it, but there's no better description b. I ain't even saying that it's a bad thing to taste like that. Adam and Eve were like "DAMN YO THIS FUCKING FRUIT IS GOOD. BUT NOT TASTEWISE, MOSTLY BECAUSE WE AIN'T SUPPOSED TO TASTE IT." You'll have to trust me and know that this plate tasting like a raw fish sexual assault is straight red 100 emoji. You're welcome.

You know how clam chowder is usually as bland as your Uncle Jerry. The one that is the marketing associate for Johnson & Johnson? You know which one I'm talking about? The Uncle who always confused you by showing up to your rec league soccer games when you were 7? The one everyone said "I wouldn't have ever expected him to be a child toucher." Yessir, that one. We all know him. We know he got that wuu wuuu wuuuuuu nahmean. Well, this clam chowder is not like him, it's clam chowder with bacon. I'll let you take a moment to find a seat/lie down depending on where you are reading this, because yeah, bacon motherfuckers. And it ain't even some basic bitch version of bacon; they givin us straight up lardons you uncultured bonobo. Lardons are like the truffle butter of bacon. The pork Picasso. Yeezy's H.A.M. ham nahmean? Lardon means we get rid of that bitchass smoking bullshit and just salt-cure this piece of piglet. According to wikipedia that means it has a cleaner, porkier taste and because I'm sick of opening up my thesaurus/encyclopedia, I agree.

To wash down the no-means-Poke appetizer and the salt-cured, not smoked, clam clam chowchow, I had to change it all up with the substance of my main entre; I went with the crispy fish tacos. Here at Highly Regarded, I am one of those people that view my purpose of life here to decrease the number of methane-producing, giant sacks of delicious beef known as the cow, so this dish ish is f'sho an outlier of my palette's normal repertoire. BUT I AIN'T NO IGNORANT SUMBITCH. I TRY NEW THINGS NAMSAYIN. DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU ROCK IT B. Be like a virus and get cultured you basic-ass hoes. If it's required of me to do a whole meal of the ocean's rejects, so be it. I don't tell people to fear the beard so I can rattle my knees together when a 3 course meal de pescado gets put in front of me. Real hood shit right here we talking bout here, ya hear me? I digress though. Contrary to my normal carnivorous proclivities, these crispy (mystery to me at least...) fish tacos were bambam craycray good nahmean? I just eat the things people deep fry, but someone managed to make the outer fried layer thinner than a buttered croissant flake and fish so flaky, you'd think it was your broad from high school that 100 proof ding dong ditched you for prom; managing to make sure a uniform warmth throughout this potential paddock. This was some straight up voodoo shit man. Douse this crispy David Blaine taco in some spicy spice aioli and you got your dish. You too basic to know what aioli is? Have you ever had sauce? Because imagine if sauce was mixed with sauce and then you did a nice reduction of that sauce, adding some shortening to the mix to give it that real sauce texture, and then throw that out and go to whole foods and buy some fucking aioli. Jesus do I have to explain everything to you? Regardless of your lack of culinary knowledge - we can't all be me and know how to google shit proper - this dousing brings it all together. Unfortunately, all fish tastes about as exotic as a glass (most likely one from Latin America once you factor digestion into the deal) so this sauce takes this taco from so-so to some of that good-good taco strata.

Well that's it for me this Taco Tuesday y'jerks. Tune in later this week for some more literary Flint tap water. That ish you can't get enough of, even though you know it just makes you too strong.

B

Mainely Droning & Photography

Taco Tuesday #2: Seamore's